Wanting A New Tattoo
"Galing ka ba sa loob?"
"Para kang adik!"
"Ano ba yang ginagawa mo sa balat mo?"
As a young kid, I'd hear people say these upon the sight of a tattoo. It was a big deal to my mama and her siblings that my older cousin got a huge one on his arm. He was ruining his skin, they said. He was going to have a hard time getting a decent job, they said. That cousin of mine eventually got to tour the world as he worked in a cruise line. He has a big house and a car now.
Despite repeatedly hearing these boomers, I've always wanted a tattoo. I thought they were cool. I thought they were going to make me look like a badass. I never thought that when I actually got one, it was going to be a reminder of life and all the complications that came along with it. I still don't feel like I'm cool or badass. But my tattoos have stories to tell.
During one Thursday evening in August of 2019, this minimalist line art (and the other one below) was embedded on my skin. The first bzzzt was eerily jolting. I was 100% sure with the designs. I was convinced I won't get tired seeing them. And I was certain that I wanted my first tattoo associated with my parents. It was my way of honoring them. Although that is the case, despite being the 26-year-old working adult that I was, they were still going to be a little disappointed so why not use them as my excuse, right? Hahaha! Kidding aside, deep down in my heart, I had an inkling of how the gesture would warm their heart.
And I was correct. I saw mama stop herself from smiling when I showed her. There was a tiny curl on her lips. She was aware even before I got home that I was somewhere in Manila, getting myself inked for the very first time. It was almost 11 PM and I was with my niece Breana so she was more worried that we were still outside.
The design, which I traced myself, was inspired by this photo. It's easily my favorite picture of my parents. I'm not sure if my sister was already born then but it seems that way because they appear younger here (and the tint am I right??? LOL). And they look super into each other. They're still pretty much in love but they're much older now. In hindsight, I picked this out because I'd like to always remember them this way: happy in each other's arms. I know that day will come when I won't get to see them together but I'll always have a reminder of the fondness they once shared.
Just to add, I rarely witness them touchy-feely except when they annoy each other so seeing them hug like this is a sight for sore eyes.
The second one speaks to me in numerous ways. It reads sapat. in Baybayin.
2019 was one of the worst. This was a time when I felt so short in every aspect of my life. The promotion I was waiting for was delayed for months. I felt disconnected to certain people. I was in love with someone who didn't like me back. My mind was clouded with a situation that didn't make sense at that time. I wasn't contributing at all to my family, to society. With one slight movement in my world, I knew I was going to burst.
But this was my reminder that I am and will always be enough. I'd be suitable for a role when I'm finally ready and equipped. Those people who matter will never feel the need to abandon you. That guy didn't deserve me, I was too much for him. The situation was all in my head. And my family will love me for all the things that I am and will accept me for everything that I'm not.
It became my mantra.
Why is it red? Because it echoes energy, passion, and danger.
My third and last tattoo is an homage to my sister and niece.
I talk about my niece a lot in social media, previous blogs, when speaking to friends. Breana was the kid who was so easy to take care of when she was little. She'd be over the moon at the littlest thing. In college, I'd buy her a candy from 7-Eleven before going home and I could already imagine the huge smile plastered on her face. We would go on simple mall dates and she'd be a real trooper, not minding the commute. It would be a staple for us to enter toy shops but she would never ever cry at something we cannot buy. She won't even ask to get a small stuffed toy. "We could just go but we don't need to buy anything," she'd tell me. I would then be swayed to purchase a Play Doh or two because she's being a good girl. She'd be surprised as if I bought her the biggest, most expensive toy in the store.
When I tell you that Breana is my light, I'm not kidding. There were times when I'd feel like life wasn't treating me well and I can just disappear. She'd always come to mind and I'd be reminded why I couldn't leave this baby behind. She deserves all the love she can get. And I couldn't be the person who would make her feel the opposite. I can't be that person.
The design is her birth month flower—a marigold. For the longest time, ate and I have been wanting to get a matching tattoo but we couldn't decide on one. Our ideas went from heart shapes, to numbers, to the silliest Ziz and Zy. (We have different pet names for each other, depending on the phases of our life and now we call each other Zizzy Mae). But the idea actually came up when I saw a friend's tattoo, who commemorated her deceased grandma by getting an ink of the latter's birth flower.
Mine is placed on the back of my lower right leg and my sister's is on her left. We got this on March 13, just a few days before lockdown. It was also a few days before she flew back to Singapore. I haven't seen my sister in a long time and I miss her so much.
At this moment, I'm on a quest to find my next design. I already have something in mind that I'd like to connect to being courageous. I can be such a scaredy-cat to be honest.
With all that's happening in this world, I know the least of my concern is to get another tattoo. But with all that's happening in this world, I think I deserve a new one.
5 Comentarios
GANDA LALO NA YUNG SAPAT! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteSapat tayong lahat men!!
Deleteexcited ako sa next tattoo ☺ huuuuuggss
ReplyDeleteHihi!! 'Di ko pa rin alam ano pero super gusto ko naaaa!
DeleteAba bakit parang may nagbabalat ng sibuyas sa tabi-tabi habang binabasa ko 'to. Ugh ganda ng story behind the marigold! <3
ReplyDeleteThoughts?